Oh "community"

I find myself time and time again being let down by friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and people in general so much! I love encouraging my friends, joking with my friends, and being silly and stupid with my friends. And that's all really good, but that could also possibly be my problem. If you're a christian and in a relationship with God, friends and that infamous word 'community' are SO vital to you. You need other christians/followers of christ/jesus lovers around you. They help you grow and learn and make your christian walk better. But for me and i'm sure for some others, Community can be an idol. And a hindrance. I often find myself angry and hurt and jealous and discontent. I long for something or someone that I don't have. I want to be in and not out. I want to be "tight" with so and so. All of these aspects have sprung out of my desire for community. Sometimes I want just want to scream from all the negativity I accumulate. I know some of this doesn't sound like me, but it's true.

This is something I am battling every single day. What others think of me. Who I can impress and make think that i'm really cool or funny. It's a huge stumbling block and I really wrestle hard with it.

I think God is trying to show me that He wants me to start loving him more. I need to make Him my idol. He created me and will love me more than ANY other single thing or person in this world. We absolutely as Christians need other christians for help and growth. BUT if I put my significance in others thinking im the shit (sorry haha), i'm missing the point completely. I must become less and he must become more. I want to be consumed with this saying and I want my life to reflect Jesus and not myself. I don't want to be selfish, but selfless.

That's all I have. I want to reiterate that I love my friends so much, BUT I need to NOT make impressing them, or making them laugh, or their friendships in general, an idol.